


poems.

by rhythmicroman



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Canon Queer Character, Canon Trans Character, Depression, Dissociation, Dysphoria, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, F/M, Freeform, Gender Dysphoria, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalised Transphobia, Love, M/M, Mild Gore, Multi, Obsessive Behavior, POV First Person, POV Second Person, POV Third Person, Poetry, Queer Character, Queer Themes, Religious Conflict, Romance, Starvation, Suicidal Thoughts, Teen Romance, Trans Male Character, Transphobia, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, an alter is briefly mentioned oof, it changes a lot, it's mild but taggable, it's vague but there, the whole shebang!!, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-02
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2019-10-21 01:16:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17633315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rhythmicroman/pseuds/rhythmicroman
Summary: a fandomless dump to put all of my poetry so that it's not lost if i misplace my notebookfeedback is always welcome





	1. A Grotesque Ode To Love

**Author's Note:**

> i used to win awards as a kid for writing poetry, so i picked it back up again as a hobby/a way of venting. these are all very emotional and kind of personal, but it felt like a waste to leave them unread.
> 
> everyone mentioned in these poems is a real person, unless specified otherwise.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> written 31/10/2018, about my boyfriend.  
> kind of venting the more violent or grotesque thoughts i have about romance.

Amongst the biting wind, my love does stand

And I wish he'd hold me closely and shield my weak self from the cold

I wish he'd sing me like a song or speak me like a poem.

His eyes are bright dangers which fill me with adrenaline;

His arms are my seatbelt and his lungs are my pillows.

If I were to ever rip him open, I'd find him red and warm on the inside;

And I'd love him all the same, the warm red coat that keeps me alive.


	2. Cold Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> written 19/12/2018, about my boyfriend.  
> real soft hours lads!!

Amongst it all stands you.

You are red with love like hot fire,

Orange with affection like sweet fruit,

Yellow with youth yet to be outlived,

Green with envy and thoughtless thought,

Blue with tears yet to be cried,

Indigo with hope yet to be shattered,

And violet with care.

You wrap around the planet of my heart,

A shining disc of endless euphoria;

 

Thoughtless epiphanies, touchless affection, cold fire.

We burn impossibly amidst the stars, a fractured love pieced together by truth.

 

Amongst it all stands us.

Red, orange, yellow, green,

Blue, indigo, violet;

A thoughtless epiphany,

Touchless affection,

Coldest fires.

 

The world outside is grey in comparison to the colourful expanse of your soul.


	3. Ode to Dysphoria

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> written 20/12/2018, about gender dysphoria.

"Forget it," they tell him.

It claws ruthlessly at him wherever he shows his face,

Tears at his throat when he speaks and his chest when he breathes,

And yet they expect him to forget.

 

It tugs the long, tangled strands of his hair,

Like a misbehaving toddler,

Until he cuts it off.

It grabs at his chest with cold claws,

Until he hides it.

It echoes his voice whenever he speaks,

High and girlish and mocking,

Until his voice shatters and silence reigns.

 

"Forget it," they insist again, "like we did."

 

He thinks they're liars.

You can't forget an experience you never even had.

 

But it tells him that he's stupid,

So he shuts up and listens.


	4. Liquid Hanahaki

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> written 20/12/2018, about my mum and how conflicted i am regarding involving her in my identity.

Do you think me a freak?

I'd reckon you do.

 

You love me so,

And hold me tight,

And give me support I'd get nowhere else;

"You're worth a thousand of them," you assure me.

 

And yet you seem so distraught,

As if the queerest depths of my soul scare you.

 

It's expected:

"What did I do wrong?"

"This must be my fault"

"I must've raised you wrongly"...

 

Expected, yet unwelcome.

 

My words thicken to paste in my throat when you treat my identity like a burden.

Cold, liquid hanahaki, choking my heart, suffocating my truths.

 

I am not your burden.

But sometimes I feel cursed.


	5. Whiplash, Sweetheart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> written 23/12/2018, about the difference between relationships i've been in.  
> focuses on my current boyfriend, but mentions others.

Do you ever look into someone's eyes and wonder how they see you?

 

He treats me so gently, so purely, so softly;

Maybe I'm just used to the intensity - people love hard, fast, burning hot.

But he kisses me as if it's a secret, a flower, something gentle and sweet to be hidden.

 

He is the dollmaker, and I am his porcelain boy, white as snow and dark as sin.


	6. untitled.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ??/??/2019.  
> written under the table in spanish class.

Wish I was somewhere else

Doll on a broken shelf

Bluebells and cockle shells.

Wish I was always yours

Cut with an iron saw

Need you to hate me more.


	7. Date Night!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 01/03/2019.  
> written for my two gays. i love you both sm~!  
> also inspired by the apocalypse scenes in umbrella academy + the general aesthetic of fallout 4

Take me on a date tonight

Give me an excuse to wear my bright red lipstick

You can smear it with your lips

Absolutely ruin it

But honey, that'd be alright,

Because pretty things like me are always defaced in the name of a new world.


	8. proditione

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 04/04/2019.  
> i had a bad day.
> 
> please don't hate me if you find this.

i feel bad for feeling bad.

it feels as if i broke my legs tumbling down a cliff  
and instead of calling for help you just  
hovered over me, held up by your crutches,  
scoffed and told me to walk it off.

i told you, deep honesty behind my smile, that i wanted to die  
and you laughed it off as if it were a joke,  
told me to _calm down and stop being so edgy._

i don't know if i regret my question  
or the answer that i got from it.  
i don't know if i blame myself or  
the way you look at me as if i'm too much,  
the way you never seem to care because  
now you're getting fixed  
and it's all about how this makes _you_ feel.

i tell you that i'd rather starve than watch my body change in that mirror.  
you shrug it off and tell me that you feel that every day.  
i tell you that i'd rather rip out my veins than sit untouched in this room.  
you laugh as if i'm joking.

do you even realise you're doing it?

he holds me in my head and asks me  
quietly  
if i'd like to let go for a moment

and i say no  
because i'm  
a coward and  
i don't want  
him to hurt  
you for me.

please stop laughing.  
that's _my_ job.


	9. untitled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 23/04/2019. written on a whim.  
> this is highkey the worst one yet, but oh well. it's not meant to sound good.
> 
> for the one who broke my emotions, and the boy who's doomed to live with it.

i switch between

the concerning numbness of apathy

and the intensity of my adoration

startlingly quickly.

 

one second

i couldn’t care less about you

and the next

i would lay down my life for you

without hesitation.

 

do you understand how terrible i feel?


	10. smokerings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 21/07/2019  
> written for my dream boy.

I sit on the hood of your car like it’s a throne  
Waiting for the day that my heart’s overthrown  
By another  
There must be another  
You hold my hand and tell me softly  
We were meant for each other

Your lips taste like your soda  
Teeth are sugar-coated  
You tell me that i’m handsome and i’m  
Overloaded  
You rip all of me apart just to  
Fix me better  
And i tell you that you’re nicotine

And i’m no quitter


End file.
